she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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