Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
