I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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