I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
