hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
