I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize