It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
