I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
