im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
