Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
