i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
