i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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