it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
