you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
