you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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