i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
