My underwear smells like fireworks.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
