i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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