the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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