u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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