Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
