yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
