i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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