i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
