dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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