okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
