yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
