I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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