make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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