somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
