I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
