Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
