While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
