Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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