New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
