omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
