Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
