My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
