i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
