I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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