cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
