I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
