One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
