Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
