Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
