i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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