i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you made out with another girl for some wings
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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