so that wasnt chicken after all
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
