This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
