just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just cropdusted the office
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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