I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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