nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
