glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
