You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You took a bar mat shot.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
being pregnant is like rehab
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
