This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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