we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
