He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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