see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
