im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
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You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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