I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
