i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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