can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
