I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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